I have always gotten frustrated with the attachments I have to the stories behind my feelings. The anger I would feel when a certain smell would trigger my memory to a past event and take me out of the present moment. This trigger that took me back would often trigger a flight or fight response in me, a feeling of “how fast can a escape how I feel right now”. This would then send me into the cycle of running again and again. I would often wonder how people can just live a happy life after years of trauma and abuse. How can they just live without the chains attached to them? The weight I often felt was heavy, almost like a floodgate of emotions that became so full it wouldn’t be able to open because it would flood my whole world.
Ill never forget the first time I tried to ease this feeling, I sat on my yoga mat and tried to focus on my breath, it was a horrible feeling that brought up so much anxiety because my breath started to speed up and I went into a panic attack.
I then learned about heart practices, the importance of bringing loving kindness into your meditation practice. This practice was different, I chose a phrase something simple at first like “May I learn to forgive myself today” “May I learn to love myself today” I would say each phrase as I breathed in then the next phrase as I breathed out. I slowly started to feel some of my feelings and bring some compassion to them.
This was a turning point in my practice and in my healing.