I have spent some time thinking about this idea of “letting be” I have been told countless times in life by various teachers and friends that I need to learn to “let things go” My mind has the tendency to hold on to grudges and resentments or hold on for fear of losing control. Letting go to me often means letting go of my toxic need to control myself, my environment, and other people in my life. Letting go of my need to control, hmm what a concept. I feel to truly explain how deep my need to control is I should give you some background into my life. I started using self harm and eating disorders as a way to control when I was very young in life, around 11 would be the exact age. I found comfort in being able to control my pain or to create my own personal escape. This eventually lead into drinking and alcoholism in my late teens and early adulthood. Then spilled into my romantic relationships and even all relationships. I did not like letting anything go, not my emotions, people, jobs, fun events. I really tried to control how much pleasure I received in life and if the pleasure started to go away I would do whatever I could to create more of it. Always jumping from one thing to the next, one job to the next, one person to the next, one place to the next. You get the idea, right?
So “letting be” how has this helped me in learning to “let go”. In my recovery I have learned that I was never really in control to begin with, it was all just an illusion. I also learned that I will always struggle with “letting go completely” there will always be a part of me that wants to control my pleasure and my pain. So how about this, I learned how to just stop pause and “let be”. I decided to take a break in the moment when I felt like I needed to “let go” or “hold on” and I just “let it be”. I am learning to accept pain as pain and pleasure as pleasure. To look each situation in the eye and just pause, “what really am I feeling?” “What is my body trying to tell me it really needs?” Maybe for me allowing things to just “be” is the form of acceptance I needed all along. Maybe by giving up my need to control I am really gaining control. I am learning to control my responses by controlling the only thing in life I am responsible for, “my actions”.