One of the problems I have faced in life is the need to control. It started as a very young child when I couldn’t feel safe in my own home so I would try and control my safety by hiding under blankets or checking the locks on my windows multiple times before I would allow myself to go to sleep. Then as I got a little older I would turn to self harm to try and control my own pain instead of the pain coming from the outside. As I continued with these unhealthy ways of control it would turn into an eating disorder then alcoholism. Always trying to control something in my life because the fear of not being in control was to painful for me. I would often feel trapped or out of control because I was always worried someone would hurt me. So I learned to control myself internal in very painful ways creating these huge levels of suffering.
As I have said before life is full of pain and often we turn the pain into suffering by adding to the pain instead of reacting with healthy coping skills.
So think of the suffering you feel when you don’t trust your significant other or a close friend, the fear and worry of constantly thinking someone is out to get you. So you try to control by manipulation or putting rules in place for the other person so you feel better because you think you will keep yourself safe by doing this. Similar to habits you may of formed in childhood.
The question is this, how much more suffering do you cause yourself by trying to control outside circumstances?
When we accept that the only thing we can control is our own reactions to the outside and we make friends with the fear we find freedom to live without suffering.
Dharma in Real Life 