The next kind thing

I have always struggled with being kind to myself. I think I am probably my harshest critic. I turn 31 in a few days and I still strongly battle an eating disorder that pops up more times than not. I have battled self-harm and alcoholism for the better part of my life as well. I have always found it so easy to be kind to others and not myself. So much so that I don’t stand up for myself sometimes for fear of it hurting another.

If I actually take time to slow down and break down what the next kind thing to do is I am bringing compassion to myself. For example if I get into an argument with someone and they hurt me I could practice sitting with that pain instead of resorting to an unhealthy behavior like self harm and my ED.

Part of this lack of kindness to myself is my personal need to try and control my own pain. If I make myself feel worse than that person makes me feel I give myself a false sense of control.

So often being kind to myself is simply pausing. Taking some deep breaths and letting the pain happen. However this is the struggle. I don’t always like feeling pain.

I spent most of my life treating myself like garbage and I am just now learning how to be kind to myself.

I always bring this to mind though, what is the next kind thing I can do for myself when I feel this pain or urge to control?

How can I use kindness to help me recover from this painful situation?

The kind thing for me to practice often is to practice nonattached appreciation. I know this good moment won’t last forever and by trying to make it last is unkind to myself. Then I resort back to the unkind acts that happen when I try to control an experience.

Breathing in I accept breathing out I let go.

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